I said as i grew up i'd post more pictures and so I have.


last night was draculas ball whitch was fun for pictures see cheeb's lj

finally a big thing
why posted an entry that I thought needed my loving the rest of this is first and foremost for her

I'm thinking this entry is not written with joy in mind. these entries seem to me to ask for conflict not peace. I write allot of things mostly on my own site here... i have seen the bickering you speak of. why not try and write an entry about somthing good?I think the probability is that you will get little to no response as i do to my posts.

How much is your own life worth to you?
so much more. last time i had a gun stuck in my back I was pleased to find out that my goal of love has become I believe my most valuble asset(somthing I have tried for a long time) I defy anyone to put a price on my realization of having that goal.

We really don't get that much time to be what ever it is that we are right now...
how can we decide what is "allot of time" whithout knowing what it is we are setting out to achieve if you knew your destiny then I would agree but I don't so untill you can prove that I will die before I acieve whatever it is i am supposed to I want to try and believe that I have all the time I need. i fear rushing into things will only cloud my intuition.

Run, scream, eat cake, fuck, dance, make art, do what ever makes you happy, and allow everyone else to do the same.
when I run i tend to fall harder,when i scream i hurt my throught and the ears of those around me,when i eat cake i forget the joy of fruit,when i fuck i hurt people,when i dance i envy those who dance better and hate those who dont,when i make art i birth things prematurely,
"Every man and every woman is a star.",
"The word of the Law is θελημα",
"Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law." and
"Love is the law, love under will."
by the crass idiocy of the public the thelma is a maxim of unfettered abandon and license. by me it teaches a lesson about how to deal with the fact that your will dictated by your love affects the will and the love of others. in a perfect world you would know the consiquences of your actions before they where enacted. to not worry about the love or will of others is to be hurtful.

Why are we wasting our time bickering about eachother on this goddamned site?
the only reason i spent the time out of doing what i enjoy to write this is because i love you deeply.

When we touch someone, we generally touch their mind, or spirit, or heart, or something hidden deep inside, long before our hands ever graze their flesh.
only if I am not being an ass your saying this tells me that you want this to be as true as i do but I know that this is not always true. for instance have you ever heard of Toucherism could you imagine trying to live by what you just said with such a fetish?

once you've touched someone metaphorically, it doesn't matter where you touch them literally because it is less dramatic than the initial act of wanting.
ok this is gonna take a minute:
I’ve read a lot and tried polyamory
and i’ve got a problem. I don’t really believe in science (hear me out). My first relationship fucked me up royaly she basicly told me when I was too nieve to know any better that because I had the phisical urge to be with her I "loved" her because I "loved" her she "loved" me and because we "loved" eachother we where sopposed to be together. mistake X of my life I believed her. long story short there was no example at home except mom and dad and so I just followed my feelings stayed by her lost enough innocence to be able to say it’s hard to drive a boat and have sex at the same time especially if one hand has to tie off her restraints I didn’t question the "love" and for absolutly no reason one day when she tired of me she told me point blank that she didn’t love me never did she was moving away and she never wanted to talk to me again(I tried but wasen’t able to). So I decided that "love" didn’t exist I believed that the glands in our bodies pump out the hormones, and we begin to feel all googly towards the other person. suddenly they’re all we can think about. we want to be with them, and we desire them. sooner or later – if it keeps up – we want to fuck them.
about the same time I started making friends in high places in the drug culture and met a lot of people who don’t "love" anyone or anything. Bingo it fit like a glove I met a girl who I wanted to fuck she respected my apathy for the human race as a whole and I respected her tits and her apathy for the human race. I fell in hate with her it was wonderfull! and I am not being sarcastic our relatonship was perfect polyamory because ideals on love commitment and faithfullness where what we where rejecting. I had so mutch fun with a bunch of people eventully had to loose her cause I was overdoing the drugs and had to get out of the life and then one day I relized that I had been ignoring a part of me I had something in me that felt sure it had been clouded with pain for a long time but i relized that the more I felt and did something about the way i felt the better I could understand why I did things the way I chose to and I could ushally figure out how to communicate and even persuade people eiser Anyway I relized the difference between my sextual feelings and love I recognized that a cute girl walking down the street made the glands in my body pump out the hormones, and begin to feel all googly. I want to be with them, and desire them. sooner or later – if it keeps up – I want to fuck them. it was LUST. I didn’t love these girls on the street in the magizines on the web and in the pornos I diden’t even care what they where talking about I was too busy trying to figure out what half truth I had to menuver to have sex with them. To my surprise some of them could teach me things. so what do I do sex the motions wern’t turning me on any more I tried guys girls and both positions and toys not a thing it felt phisically good but it couldn’t get me off cause my feelings wern’t in it I liked them but how could I tell if they where lying to me I knew they where my friends I knew they wanted to have sex with me was that enough. That doubt came out of the fact that I knew I had fucked girls over I haden’t felt for them I just got phisical pleasure from them thay agreed to it I agreed to it we both felt good but in the end they where doing me a disservice by not pointing out to me that I was hurting myself by not loving them for who they where not proving to them that they had a purpose other than a hole for my dick. and they where being hurt by the fact that they where doing the same to me. in a way having sex was telling me that I was only good if I was sexy. suddenly the motions of sex wern’t important and my sex life stopped for three years. After three years of searching I felt something I can only explain as my heart opening up to someone and I tried to start a relationship with them I’ve felt it two times since but in two of the cases I don’t think I respect the other peoples reasons for having sex with other people more often than not I just don’t agree with the ideals of the people who they want to sleep with I truly feel for these people though and I wonder if a compermise between the current ideas of a polyamorous don’t ask don’t tell relationship and monogamy can be made. trust is key in a relationship but if I am completely honest with someone i have to tell them that I will loose respect for them if they sleep with someone I see as ignorant of my primary’s true value or who is ignorant of my true value and disrespectfull of my love for my primary my love for my primary is sacred if someone hurts him/her they will deal with me. they even get on my bad side if they call my primary a piece of ass my primary is sooooooooo mutch more than just a fine piece of ass my primary is a jewl one of a kind and the edges may be rough but I expect others who want to be with him/her to love him/her to make a commitment to her as I do… and preferably love me too. touching matters to me. even when it is purely sextual and non emotional it matters.

Does it matter who's fucked who?
it depends does it effect you? does it affect or effect me?will i be changed by it? you will wont you? how close am i to you? will your change effect me?

If you don't know what has happened behind closed doors, it's probably because it's none of your fucking business.
if it hasn't changed you if it's meaningless if it effects noone why would you care if anyone knew or not? If it has changed you how did it and what can I learn from it? why must anything be private? for me privacy equates to preshousness in a strange way.

If people work on enjoying their own lives, they won't need so much voyeurism.
If people cared more about me and a little less about themselves, it wouldn't be as fun to covertly watch them undressing or engaging in sexual activity.

I know in the end this post comes off a bit negitivly but it's all me I feel pasonatly about the things you hit on in your post I hope you still love me as much as I do you. I mean look at the work i put in to it. that must count for somthing right. Do me a favor and do somthing childlike and innocent today and try to enjoy it for me. I'm so screwed up that it's a joy I want to share with you.